It should seem quite obvious where my head’s been lately. In fact, I am leaving today to register for my second round of college. This time I plan to use my brain. It’s grown restless and if I don’t tend to it, it might run away without me.
Sometimes I go a little crazy in moments when small things appear finite. Sometimes I spend a lot of money on things I’ll soon neglect, but at present regard as vital, it seems, even to functions as involuntary as breathing. In that small space, my mind has convinced me I can’t go on without the thing, whatever it may be. I wish this compulsion, for lack of a better description, could concern itself with matters less material; with preserving a feeling or a state of mind. Perhaps the reason this is not the case is because, as purveyors of the physical form, we have not yet mastered the intangible. I’m sure I can’t be sure. I do know, however, that my most recent case of impulsive spending resulted in the online purchase of several books by the late thinker, Christoper Hitchens, an episode that occurred after listening to his lectures for several hours while working (an episode, also, I won’t soon regret). The more I discover him, the more I admire his legacy, though any feelings of deepest adoration are inevitably met with equal feelings of regret for a future in which I will never meet him. I at least hope to become the sort of person who, if ever afforded the chance to interact with someone of Hitchens’ ilk, would know what to say, or, in some distant, exceptional reality, might be his equal in some regard. Just the thought of a reality in which I had, in my life, acquired the sort of company that could speak of me in the way these men speak of him seems so deliciously satisfactory, I am almost jealous. It seems, so much of the value in life is, as we are told, found in the ‘doing’– behind intention. Yet even now, in my early twenties, I catch hints of what I believe to be the truth of things- that the realest purpose may be found in the negative space; the pause before the point, the meandering tangent, the off topic exchange, the understanding of belief in an opposing argument.