i was overcome by the rawest surge of emotion today. i was thinking of what i wanted in another person.
Nick was talking to me about girls, as usual… since i’ve been here [nyc] i haven’t considered companionship as a serious reality for myself. the city is harsh and weird and i decided from the start that i really needn’t bother.
But again, i was talking with nick earlier and i think i was explaining ‘how girls work’ or something and then suddenly i actually stopped and thought about what I wanted in another person, and at once my head was filled— at first with a speeding thought-reel of soft, beautiful, very human, very sexual images: laying together in my all white room at sunrise, rolling over to see him next to me, smiling, blurred moments of hasty passionate lovemaking, hands, holding hands, sounds, sharing sounds, the importance of proximity, the importance of touch, touching faces, touching teeth, touching minds, being.
I moved past that in less than a second though, and my mind was filled with an even more intimate set of moments, but they didn’t surface as images–it seems intimacy is so much deeper than what tangibility can convey– these thoughts were more like hues; color painted emotions, feelings one can only get from someone else; quick glimpses of the densest, deepest emotional states–states i haven’t been in for a very long time; words, notes, tastes, heartache, everything.
But again my mind moved past that a few seconds later and I then removed myself from all of it completely. My thoughts fell away as my mind transmitted simpler and simpler desires, I descended the length of my individual interpersonal filtration process in what seemed to be a singular moment. In this moment of my life, i feel my only mistake would be to ask for too much, so in my mind, I bring myself back to the essence of my desire; the lowest common denominator. Bearing that in mind, I was left with one thought: My entire thought process having taken up no more than 8-9 seconds, i looked up with sad tears welling in my eyes and all i could say was ‘i just want someone who will listen to me talk about science’.
all we can hope for is someone who has the capacity to care about the things we care about– even if it’s just because we care about them. i care because you care, baby. that’s love… isn’t it?
this is the loneliest life. but it is a small price to pay for a limitless existence.